SURVIVAL

Yesterday, I went through withdrawals like a heroine addict. I ached all over, I was thirsty, uncomfortable, grouchy, aggravated, sweaty, and sleepy. Chills and sweats. Some how I made it through the night to awake feeling like I had been through hell but came out unharmed. Three times today I thought of Mr. Cigarette. I mean I missed him after I had gotten out of the shower, but I pushed him out of my mind. then after I returned from having a tooth pulled, I opened my purse to find something, subconsciously, I guess I was looking for him. It's weird I think Mr. Cigarette is a stronger habit than an addiction.

I Am Knumb

 I spent the day in my pajamas asleep on the couch. The few times I awoke I was in bitch mode. I sweated out the nicotine, I guess. Hot and Cold. Well today is over and I must admit I am totally proud of me!!!! Mr. Cigarette I hate you.....

Roller Coaster Ride

OMG!!!!!! Up and down are my emotions. I am in the middle of a conversation trying to sound smart about a subject I have no interest in. My fellow companions are very passionate about it. So I fake interest like a good friend always does. Suddenly, I blank out, a little drool glides down my chin. I have that glazed over stare that makes another wonder, "WHAT the hell is she on?" It's embarrassing to be me right now. After all I am usually cool, calm, and on it. Ha ha!!!! Not today. No I look like a deer stuck in head lights. Of all the break ups I have ever been through this one is the hardest. Mr. Cigarette hasn't called or come by to see me. Which one would think that would make it easier to get over him. But, no that's now how it works in this relationship. You see all it takes is my body craving the taste of nicotine, my mind associating a certain smell, activity, person, place, or thing and then "BOOM" I am like a rabid dog out for some insane killing spree. Roller coaster of emotions. But to hell with Mr. Cigarette I don't want him back!!!!!!!

Wow I Did This 2 Days Too Soon

Okay so I woke up at 7 in the morning first thought in my mind was Mr. Cigarette. But, You know I threw him out last night. Two withdrawals, but I haven't killed anybody yet. But my nerves are shot. I am second guessing myself. I feel sluggish and irritable. Damn I think I loved him way more than I realized. I did this break up suddenly and too soon. But, I am not the type of girl who changes her mind. I have to keep the choice I made and just roll with the punches.

Dumped Him

All day I spent time with Mr. Cigarette. I spent so much time with him that I literally had a hard time breathing. So when I got home I threw him and all his belongings out into the trash can. I didn't even flinch. He's where he belongs just wish I could throw this tightness in the chest along with him. So I am sucking on a cough drop feeling slightly light headed. Lack of nicotine I guess. I dumped him! I dumped him! OMG I dumped him!!!!!

I Need Him The Same But, Want Him Less

Normally Mr. Cigarette has 6 to 4 smokes left in his little green box by the end of the night. 0 if I am having drinks. Tonight was different, inspite of the 7 Mojitos I slammed. I have a big smile on my face when I counted 10 and 1/2. YaY!!!! But, I still feel the desire to light up. Oh well maybe I should think about having an affair with Mr. Electronic right before the signing of the divorce papers!!!!

He's Costing Me Money

Mr. Cigarette tried to convince me that he was giving me the deal of a lifetime by offering me a lower price if I bought him and two of his friends. I was tempted. But, didn't do it. Let me explain this, I can spend $5.08 on one pack or $4.15 a pack if I buy three at the same time. And I can spend $35.00 on a half carton or $45.00 on a whole carton. All the while I have shortness of breath, chest pains, and no extra cash for the day spa of my choosing. Mr. Cigarette has taken me for the last time. I have been hinting at him all day today that our relationship is coming to an end. And of course he pretends not to hear me.

The 100th Realization

As my man, Mr. Cigarette and I made our way out to the Gazebo, I became slightly disgusted by the feel of him between my index and middle finger. What used to be a comfort has now become a pain. But, like the wife who tolerates the husband who has nothing romantic to say in the morning over coffee, I lit my Mr. Cigarette and began the ritual of puff, inhale, hold, exhale, and of course deep coughs in between. Finally, the routine ends and I am left feeling slightly content yet sad. The 100th realization that I am making the right decision to let him go after all this time hits me like brick up side my head. OUCH!!! But, three days till I sign those divorce papers and then maybe just maybe I will have a life that I was always intended to have....

I Am Ready To Quit Him

I have been a smoker since I was 16 years of age. But, I became an addict at age 22. I went from wanting a cigarette to needing one. From socializing at parties to hoarding half smoked cigarettes in my bedroom. Well, recently I decided I needed to quit due to the non stop hacking and coughing, the constant sniffles, the money, the interrupted conversations, and the smell. Honestly, I feel used and abused by choice. So I am 4 days and counting to my break up date. I mean this has been a long term relationship between me and the cigarette. It was a courtship that turned into a marriage. Now I want a divorce. In 4 days I am signing those papers.