IN DREAMS

ls it always going to be me trying to forget but, unable to? I can't stop the late night wake ups for no apparent reason. 1, 2, 3, 4 in the morning and I am up trying to keep myself busy until the memories stop coming in like a hurricane. Oh yes my mind plays tricks on me.

 

Last night I had a dream that seemed so real that even now I question myself. What I remember is this. I was sitting on the front steps at my house where I live now. My neighbors/friends were walking towards me with cups of good smelling coffee. Now there is nothing wrong with that dream. However, when they reach me I am smoking Mr. Cigarette. I mean here is the crazy OMG moment, I wake up and I can still taste and feel the Mr. Cigarette in my mouth. I jumped out of bed, looked around, panicked for five to seven minutes before I realized that it was all just a dream. I can't believe cigarettes are still legal!!!! I mean from what I have experienced since quitting and what I have read about nicotine and other drugs. It amazes me that nicotine being so addictive and dangerous like heroine and cocaine and etc. It just blows my mind that cigarettes are sold everywhere. And the worse part is; now cigarettes are even in my dreams hmmm.......

DRAMA

so I can't believe it has been two weeks without Mr. Cigarette. I mean that is the longest time I have been out on my own. Today I awoke feeling extremely volatile and angry and of course my first desire, my first thought was of him. I ignored it but by noon I was like a dope fiend looking for a fix. I was willing to do anything and everything for a quick puff. I didn't but I ain't going to lie I came extremely close. I held him, sniffed him, touched him and I basically made out like a teen with him but we didn't do it and he didn't get to fondle my breasts!!! Oh Mr. cigarette knows my weaknesses and my arousals but giving in I am never gonna do it.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrel, I Love You

Mr. Cigarette, where the hell did you come from? Why did you have to come into my life? I need drugs to get through the day to just get over you. I need something to keep my mind occupied and busy. Because you have taken up a big part of my life. Every morning, noon and night you were with me. Every tear and laughter you were there. When stress became to much, it was you that I turned to first. My greatest achievements, you were always there. Now I sit alone trying to relate to my friends. Trying to understand the reasons I am incomplete and off key without you. I live to be healthy, alive, and free. I know the illnesses can come whether you are with me or not. My chances without you are better but, damn you were and are my comfort. Tell me,,, How do I live without you? How do I survive this life without you? How do I, without you?
I can't help the way I feel about you or how I think about you or how I want you. I must stop this and I have to get over it or else the person, the woman that I am and shall become will never have a chance. For you my lover, friend, enemy, and confident are the one creation on this Earth that has too much power in my life, too much control over me. You are the one that will be the death of me. Though excitement and pleasure are a guarantee when I place my lips upon you. But, no doubt at the end, I will pay a price too high for me or any person to pay.

Things I Have Gained

Lost my mind last night. Not sure if it was due to the lack of smoking or just life. I have so much on my mind that sometimes I am not sure what to do with myself. Since I no longer step out side to get that smoke in me I have gained new and interesting ways to cope. I think in a matter of 5 days I have rearranged my home. I have scrubbed with bleach to the point my hands are raw. My pets run from me cause I think they feel like my bucket of suds is for them and as for my daughter she has her own blog about "I Think My Mommy Is Crazy" Poor child. But, the things I have gained are as follows: confidence, determination, drive, passion, fearlessness, desire, hope, will power, smell, and a back bone that is so strong that I could whip superman and wonder woman's ass blind folded.

Things He does To Make Me Cry

It's always the same, in the morning I awake grouchy and shaky. I feed the cats and dogs, start up the coffee pot, sit in front of the lap top checking my facebook messages and yahoo emails. The WESH News is on and I still feel the sense something is missing. Oh I know Mr. Cigarette is not here. Normally by the time the cats and dogs would have been fed, smoke session 2 would have been played out. By the time the coffee was done brewing smoke session 3. And on and on. Every hour two to three smoke sessions. Yes I miss our sessions of intimacy. I miss him cause he has always been apart of me, with me, in me. How do I change or forget so many years of dependency. He makes me cry because I had to choose my health or him, my money or him, my sense of control or him. For so long the answer to everything and every thought has been him. Now it's over and it makes me cry.

My Desire

Today was hard. I was grouchy and angry. I missed him today. I could smell his scent. I could taste him on my lips. No I did not give in but, I wanted to so bad. I think he knew it. Because when I went for a swim there were two young men smoking the same brand I smoked ten days ago. But, I kept on doing laps and ignoring Mr. Cigarette's seductive call.
Damn him!! He makes me feel weak. I want him but I just don't need him.

I DON'T MISS OR THINK ABOUT HIM

The other day I sat with my friends and family. Coronas all around. Good food and conversation. As my buzz turned into slightly drunk, I began to notice that Mr. Cigarette was all around me. At first I assumed I would be like I must have you. I thought that I would go through a personal war of hell over Mr. Cigarette. However, I quiver with joy when I recall the moment that this truth came to me. OMG!!! Mr. Cigarette never stood a chance. I looked at him and I just kept right on having a good time. I didn't care, I didn't desire, I didn't want him. Yes!!! It was as if I had never ever been involved with Mr. Cigarette. (I am jumping up and down with joy).
Mr. Cigarette and I are done but, I am not foolish enough to believe that yesterday was a total victory. It's a fresh break up, so I know I have to stand firm, not set myself up for failure. But, oh my this really feels good!!!