IN DREAMS

ls it always going to be me trying to forget but, unable to? I can't stop the late night wake ups for no apparent reason. 1, 2, 3, 4 in the morning and I am up trying to keep myself busy until the memories stop coming in like a hurricane. Oh yes my mind plays tricks on me.

 

Last night I had a dream that seemed so real that even now I question myself. What I remember is this. I was sitting on the front steps at my house where I live now. My neighbors/friends were walking towards me with cups of good smelling coffee. Now there is nothing wrong with that dream. However, when they reach me I am smoking Mr. Cigarette. I mean here is the crazy OMG moment, I wake up and I can still taste and feel the Mr. Cigarette in my mouth. I jumped out of bed, looked around, panicked for five to seven minutes before I realized that it was all just a dream. I can't believe cigarettes are still legal!!!! I mean from what I have experienced since quitting and what I have read about nicotine and other drugs. It amazes me that nicotine being so addictive and dangerous like heroine and cocaine and etc. It just blows my mind that cigarettes are sold everywhere. And the worse part is; now cigarettes are even in my dreams hmmm.......

DRAMA

so I can't believe it has been two weeks without Mr. Cigarette. I mean that is the longest time I have been out on my own. Today I awoke feeling extremely volatile and angry and of course my first desire, my first thought was of him. I ignored it but by noon I was like a dope fiend looking for a fix. I was willing to do anything and everything for a quick puff. I didn't but I ain't going to lie I came extremely close. I held him, sniffed him, touched him and I basically made out like a teen with him but we didn't do it and he didn't get to fondle my breasts!!! Oh Mr. cigarette knows my weaknesses and my arousals but giving in I am never gonna do it.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrel, I Love You

Mr. Cigarette, where the hell did you come from? Why did you have to come into my life? I need drugs to get through the day to just get over you. I need something to keep my mind occupied and busy. Because you have taken up a big part of my life. Every morning, noon and night you were with me. Every tear and laughter you were there. When stress became to much, it was you that I turned to first. My greatest achievements, you were always there. Now I sit alone trying to relate to my friends. Trying to understand the reasons I am incomplete and off key without you. I live to be healthy, alive, and free. I know the illnesses can come whether you are with me or not. My chances without you are better but, damn you were and are my comfort. Tell me,,, How do I live without you? How do I survive this life without you? How do I, without you?
I can't help the way I feel about you or how I think about you or how I want you. I must stop this and I have to get over it or else the person, the woman that I am and shall become will never have a chance. For you my lover, friend, enemy, and confident are the one creation on this Earth that has too much power in my life, too much control over me. You are the one that will be the death of me. Though excitement and pleasure are a guarantee when I place my lips upon you. But, no doubt at the end, I will pay a price too high for me or any person to pay.

Things I Have Gained

Lost my mind last night. Not sure if it was due to the lack of smoking or just life. I have so much on my mind that sometimes I am not sure what to do with myself. Since I no longer step out side to get that smoke in me I have gained new and interesting ways to cope. I think in a matter of 5 days I have rearranged my home. I have scrubbed with bleach to the point my hands are raw. My pets run from me cause I think they feel like my bucket of suds is for them and as for my daughter she has her own blog about "I Think My Mommy Is Crazy" Poor child. But, the things I have gained are as follows: confidence, determination, drive, passion, fearlessness, desire, hope, will power, smell, and a back bone that is so strong that I could whip superman and wonder woman's ass blind folded.

Things He does To Make Me Cry

It's always the same, in the morning I awake grouchy and shaky. I feed the cats and dogs, start up the coffee pot, sit in front of the lap top checking my facebook messages and yahoo emails. The WESH News is on and I still feel the sense something is missing. Oh I know Mr. Cigarette is not here. Normally by the time the cats and dogs would have been fed, smoke session 2 would have been played out. By the time the coffee was done brewing smoke session 3. And on and on. Every hour two to three smoke sessions. Yes I miss our sessions of intimacy. I miss him cause he has always been apart of me, with me, in me. How do I change or forget so many years of dependency. He makes me cry because I had to choose my health or him, my money or him, my sense of control or him. For so long the answer to everything and every thought has been him. Now it's over and it makes me cry.

My Desire

Today was hard. I was grouchy and angry. I missed him today. I could smell his scent. I could taste him on my lips. No I did not give in but, I wanted to so bad. I think he knew it. Because when I went for a swim there were two young men smoking the same brand I smoked ten days ago. But, I kept on doing laps and ignoring Mr. Cigarette's seductive call.
Damn him!! He makes me feel weak. I want him but I just don't need him.

I DON'T MISS OR THINK ABOUT HIM

The other day I sat with my friends and family. Coronas all around. Good food and conversation. As my buzz turned into slightly drunk, I began to notice that Mr. Cigarette was all around me. At first I assumed I would be like I must have you. I thought that I would go through a personal war of hell over Mr. Cigarette. However, I quiver with joy when I recall the moment that this truth came to me. OMG!!! Mr. Cigarette never stood a chance. I looked at him and I just kept right on having a good time. I didn't care, I didn't desire, I didn't want him. Yes!!! It was as if I had never ever been involved with Mr. Cigarette. (I am jumping up and down with joy).
Mr. Cigarette and I are done but, I am not foolish enough to believe that yesterday was a total victory. It's a fresh break up, so I know I have to stand firm, not set myself up for failure. But, oh my this really feels good!!!

SURVIVAL

Yesterday, I went through withdrawals like a heroine addict. I ached all over, I was thirsty, uncomfortable, grouchy, aggravated, sweaty, and sleepy. Chills and sweats. Some how I made it through the night to awake feeling like I had been through hell but came out unharmed. Three times today I thought of Mr. Cigarette. I mean I missed him after I had gotten out of the shower, but I pushed him out of my mind. then after I returned from having a tooth pulled, I opened my purse to find something, subconsciously, I guess I was looking for him. It's weird I think Mr. Cigarette is a stronger habit than an addiction.

I Am Knumb

 I spent the day in my pajamas asleep on the couch. The few times I awoke I was in bitch mode. I sweated out the nicotine, I guess. Hot and Cold. Well today is over and I must admit I am totally proud of me!!!! Mr. Cigarette I hate you.....

Roller Coaster Ride

OMG!!!!!! Up and down are my emotions. I am in the middle of a conversation trying to sound smart about a subject I have no interest in. My fellow companions are very passionate about it. So I fake interest like a good friend always does. Suddenly, I blank out, a little drool glides down my chin. I have that glazed over stare that makes another wonder, "WHAT the hell is she on?" It's embarrassing to be me right now. After all I am usually cool, calm, and on it. Ha ha!!!! Not today. No I look like a deer stuck in head lights. Of all the break ups I have ever been through this one is the hardest. Mr. Cigarette hasn't called or come by to see me. Which one would think that would make it easier to get over him. But, no that's now how it works in this relationship. You see all it takes is my body craving the taste of nicotine, my mind associating a certain smell, activity, person, place, or thing and then "BOOM" I am like a rabid dog out for some insane killing spree. Roller coaster of emotions. But to hell with Mr. Cigarette I don't want him back!!!!!!!

Wow I Did This 2 Days Too Soon

Okay so I woke up at 7 in the morning first thought in my mind was Mr. Cigarette. But, You know I threw him out last night. Two withdrawals, but I haven't killed anybody yet. But my nerves are shot. I am second guessing myself. I feel sluggish and irritable. Damn I think I loved him way more than I realized. I did this break up suddenly and too soon. But, I am not the type of girl who changes her mind. I have to keep the choice I made and just roll with the punches.

Dumped Him

All day I spent time with Mr. Cigarette. I spent so much time with him that I literally had a hard time breathing. So when I got home I threw him and all his belongings out into the trash can. I didn't even flinch. He's where he belongs just wish I could throw this tightness in the chest along with him. So I am sucking on a cough drop feeling slightly light headed. Lack of nicotine I guess. I dumped him! I dumped him! OMG I dumped him!!!!!

I Need Him The Same But, Want Him Less

Normally Mr. Cigarette has 6 to 4 smokes left in his little green box by the end of the night. 0 if I am having drinks. Tonight was different, inspite of the 7 Mojitos I slammed. I have a big smile on my face when I counted 10 and 1/2. YaY!!!! But, I still feel the desire to light up. Oh well maybe I should think about having an affair with Mr. Electronic right before the signing of the divorce papers!!!!

He's Costing Me Money

Mr. Cigarette tried to convince me that he was giving me the deal of a lifetime by offering me a lower price if I bought him and two of his friends. I was tempted. But, didn't do it. Let me explain this, I can spend $5.08 on one pack or $4.15 a pack if I buy three at the same time. And I can spend $35.00 on a half carton or $45.00 on a whole carton. All the while I have shortness of breath, chest pains, and no extra cash for the day spa of my choosing. Mr. Cigarette has taken me for the last time. I have been hinting at him all day today that our relationship is coming to an end. And of course he pretends not to hear me.

The 100th Realization

As my man, Mr. Cigarette and I made our way out to the Gazebo, I became slightly disgusted by the feel of him between my index and middle finger. What used to be a comfort has now become a pain. But, like the wife who tolerates the husband who has nothing romantic to say in the morning over coffee, I lit my Mr. Cigarette and began the ritual of puff, inhale, hold, exhale, and of course deep coughs in between. Finally, the routine ends and I am left feeling slightly content yet sad. The 100th realization that I am making the right decision to let him go after all this time hits me like brick up side my head. OUCH!!! But, three days till I sign those divorce papers and then maybe just maybe I will have a life that I was always intended to have....

I Am Ready To Quit Him

I have been a smoker since I was 16 years of age. But, I became an addict at age 22. I went from wanting a cigarette to needing one. From socializing at parties to hoarding half smoked cigarettes in my bedroom. Well, recently I decided I needed to quit due to the non stop hacking and coughing, the constant sniffles, the money, the interrupted conversations, and the smell. Honestly, I feel used and abused by choice. So I am 4 days and counting to my break up date. I mean this has been a long term relationship between me and the cigarette. It was a courtship that turned into a marriage. Now I want a divorce. In 4 days I am signing those papers.